It's been a awhile! I haven't blogged in over a month. Sad. I've been so busy with my new job that the free time I do have, I use it for socializing. which on that note, I believe anyone would. Needless to say, that with a month's time come and gone, you'd think I would have something to write about, but unfortunately, I don't have anything to write about. C'est vraiment triste.

so I now wrote a blog about nothing. Interesting...

I thought this was cute

BECOME THE INFLUENCER AND NOT THE IN-FLUENCY.

That's by far the number one rule in my book of leadership -- which has been over spoken upon my life several times. Prophetically to be said. I recently found in myself a great deal of leadership arising from beneath which was encouraged by bursting confidence for others and of who I'm becoming as a women.

They say that true happiness is just not singly owned, but shared amongst others. Having to see individuals around you who are just as joyful as you are, situate's yourself in the greatest state of mind. Seeing dear friends of mine for the imaginable first time that has passed away, brought a exasperating fear to the table. I was thinking to myself what they would think of the decisions I've made for myself before I saw them for the first time again.

I once felt identified as 'inadequate' to their particular social scene, hidden under the shame I carried. I felt what I was starting to see myself get into, especially coming out from a school bubbled into a little world that isn't reality, was something I was not made to be doing. I came to my home town lost, conflicted of the social scenes around me. After all, amused. Realized that I'm no longer looked upon fellow individuals as an object set on this earth to change the outlook of how I am made to shake the nation, but I'm slowly becoming the women God feared. This is a large step of faith to be blogging, confessing about personal thoughts and experiences, but I had a great feeling within me that maybe one day someone will come across it and can bond particular events that has happened in their lives, with mine and to feel that they were or are never alone. In my case, I've been told many times that it's hard leaving SoM, due to it's enclosed environment that I've been upon. I became the in-fluency, the follower, or such names that made the shame grow beyond my control. It really wasn't what I had in mind, but sadly, I went down such a road. I can boldly say that beyond my pride, I gave in too easily to Satan.

I could remember keeping myself busy (B=busy U=under S=satans Y=yoke : Carole Arnott) so I wouldn't have to deal with the pain and sadness within. Until one day, I hit the a local bar with several friends of mine, and it just clicked! literally. Meaning that I just suddenly didn't have the urge to even be in the bar or even finish the one bottled beer I had that night. God spoke to me that very moment and left in an instant, along with taking that bit of shame that I was carrying by my side. I felt secured again, forgetting that I was protected and looked upon. Now I'm not going to lie, and explain what seems to be written, over-exaggerated, but it came to thought that maybe I would be lying if I told you that I didn't hit a local bar ever since, but I learnt or as I would say "passed the phase" of going to just bars as social events to spend with friends, instead of pursuing to be doing something else.

I took a break from those scenes and I had plenty of time to think, apart from seeing them at all. It was a clean break from the influences that were affecting me. I truly believe that I matured and grew more responsibility; I've become different. Happier and much more confident.

I now have a part of my heart filled with joy and hope to come for them by hearing how they were doing since than. One of them was growing out of drinking a lot into becoming more civil, and well the others were doing awesome. I couldn't help myself for smiling cheek to cheek, along with giggles here and there when they were quickly speaking over each other, all eager to tell me what I have missed. I felt a specific worthiness for the time being, which brought me warmth.

I thought to myself that this could be the time to bring up hope within them and to let them know that I was so proud of them. Thrilled to have seen their response of when I actually told them that. Just saying that I was proud of them, felt different. I don't usually say it verbally, cause I always let everyone know in another way. A different vibe was set to the table, when such a word was presented. I could see hope and worth in their eyes. I can tell instantly that they felt different. It amazes me sometimes how expressing how I felt towards them, can affect them drastically in a moment's passed.

Further speaking courage upon them made me feel as if they were looking up towards my word. towards the grace God had for me shinning down for them. It's incredible how God can use us like that. It just doesn't bring an uprising feeling for them, but also for I. It surely brings a worth and purpose emotion upon my way when times aren't looking up. It's his mercy towards us that makes us feel loved, and it's his love that makes us feel completely ravished for who we are and who we are going to become.

Riding the Wheels of my Thoughts.

As a place I would like to call 'riding the wheels of my thoughts' are generated and taken place on city buses. Odd, I know. It's a place where I find myself at thought the most. Where my thoughts been taken to newer levels, dreams burst out of it's inner box and brings hope, and usually life decisions at their hardest defeat my natural ability to live my life by a called 'normal' day schedule; I find myself riding the wheels of my thoughts. A wheel that turns round and round, slowing and raising speed. Out of a sudden hits the brakes, having everybody, anybody, on the bus gasp and have the natural reaction to look forward of search. I hit those brakes -- sometimes hard, sometimes gently. Until I find my myself come to the realization of what's in front of me. Thoughts. Blurring every visible window looking throughout the horizon making it unclear. Panic irrupts to the greater thought of uncertainty.

I found myself taking the city bus today, at the thought of adventure. I lead one foot in front of the other up the steps, looking around my surroundings, until a viewed seat stuck out. The sun was shinning bright, lowering it's altitude in the sky slowly, along with a calm breeze that tickled the side of my neck. I took a seat, closed my eyes, inhaled a deep breath, and opened the doors to my imagination. One that shined brighter than the rest defined the place where my heart is at right now. A scene of a sad melody playing the background, and wishful thinking comes stirring to bring hope to satisfy a need that doesn't last. As I looked outside, taking memory of the beauty around me, I catch my eyes focusing on the sun above, and the sun only. The bright interior and darker exterior, warmed my body in the chills of my thoughts. I strati-size ways I can keep my eyes focused towards the sun without looking away by the passing trees. It was as if I was searching for answers from the one thing that started time as a visible platform of stone thousands of years ago. I found a deeper value instead. A value that spoke to me about where my heart is struggling.

Keep your eyes focused on me; nothing in this world could satisfy.

This sentence may mean to many just as simple as it's read and misunderstood , but for I, It struck to me as the answer I was waiting for. For when I made that clear to myself, the sun looked brighter, temperature was warmer, and the breeze gently passed, kissing my cheeks. It was than I was assured of what just occurred.

With iPod on sync, I heard a immediate tune that brought inspiration of what I've been going through. Hope for what's next. Hope to come for me. It was Brooke Fraser's track "C.S. Lewis Song" that I was listening to. The lyrics goes as this.

If i find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude that I was not made for here
If the felsh that i fight is at best only light and momentary,
then ofcourse I'll feel nude when to where I'm destined I'm compared

Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan as I wait for hope to come for me

Am i lost or just found? On the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way?
is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
Cos my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
An avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become

For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming

The realization became more crisp in my mind how desires of this world can distract myself, or anyone who let's it. It's a weapon not seen, but felt in our minds and hearts. They leave us with guilt, shame, unworthiness, and uncertainty of ourselves. It's a battle that happens everyday between us. It's our choice that leads us to our finial destination. We may not see it coming, but he's disguised waiting to pull our flesh down along to join him further and further into a sinful world we walk into, calling it home.

We are not perfect, we go up and than we fall down. It's defiantly the ride of our lives. With that note, I'm battling against myself to not fall alseep onto my laptop. So to further adieu, I'm off to bed waving my white flag.

Life is Sweet

I love my food, every little bit of it. especially when it comes to desserts. Ask anyone, and they will tell you that I cherish sweets, and craves it all the time...not really. it's just so good. I get it from my dad being the sweet tooth I've grown up to be. If you see me upset, give me sweets. If you see me happy, give me sweets. Just give me sweets and I will love you more. just kidding...maybe.

but it's a known stereotype that women love sweets, and as the saying goes said by few "If you want to make a girl happy, give her sweets, not flowers!". defiantly true. although I would like flowers too.

which all of this brings me to why I decided to write about sweet deliciously made sweets, is because an Austrian girl who happened to walk into my life several days ago, gave me wonderful Austrian chocolate for my birthday. A lot of Austrian chocolate she just so happened to have. I'm surely not upset with that choice at all.

Ooh! and maybe a little bit of theses very good looking cupcakes and cookies I found online.

(never really thought I would call cupcakes 'Good looking'.)

let's just try tasteful.

On that note, I devoured a few of each, or on my speaking terms 'nibbled' a few of each of the yummy chocolate I happened to receive.

Here's one of the "ooh so good, haven in my mouth" chocolates she gave me.

And here are the pictures I found online on these mouth-watering (seems to be) sweets this women makes as her passion.

Another fresh new year is here.

(No, I did not make the cupcake, I found it on Google and thought it was cute.)

It's my birthday everyone!

19!!!

WHOOPEE!!

Very exciting!

...clearly, much more shocked.

I must add that the year I was 18, many things happened to be brought into my life.

I received the greatest news a year ago that I would be attending the School of Ministry 2 weeks before it started. I was thrilled--more than thrilled. Ecstatic!

Many inner healing's, and forgivenesses later, I came to notice that I dearly love the place, the people, and God more than I anticipated. The school was a HUGE part of my year, and defiantly the best. Meeting new people, experiencing emotions that you forgot you had, travailing to a different country, changing lives, along with your's, and discovering by the end of it all, that tissues are your new best friend, the school was so worth it.

...And that's exactly why I'm going back for some more. Bring it on SoM!

7 and a half months now since I've been back home from the School of Ministry in beautiful Toronto, and I still catch myself laughing at the great memories that I shared among many individuals there. Curious to actually hear the comments of what many people thought of I, while walking down the streets, at work, anywhere I'm doing dishes. Yes, dishes,(I believe those last two places are where I think of those memories the most.), and cooking. Laughing uncontrollably. By myself. Mhhh...

I work, I write, I play, I socialize, I love. I Skype

(My life in a nutshell, for the most part)

Seriously, the amount of calls + chats I did in the past months are countless.

Especially to my friends back from school. Jeepers.

Any-who, today was a fabulous day with my family and my close friends that I'm so fortunate to have. They protect, encourage, love, and teach me new things everyday.

I love you all and thank you for all you support in all my good and bad decisions I've made in the past -- for understanding and dwelling me with your love.

"Another year to live!

To banish worry, doubt, and fear.

To love and laugh and give!

This bright new year is given me

To live each day with zest...

To grow and try to be my highest and best!

I have the opportunity

once more to right some wrongs,

To pray for peace, to plant a tree,

and sing more joyful songs!"

-William Arthur Ward

Love Lost - The Temper Trap - Plus a little something, something.

When I first tuned my ears to this single, I immediately thought this was another typical relationship/break-up song. However, as time moved quickly, I got to know the band a little more and found myself to realize that this song had much more of a meaning behind it, rather than your very own relationship/break-up song we hear everywhere. Meanwhile, I knew that this song wasn't what everyone interrupted it to be, for I had a little voice who spoke to me saying that this song was written by one man who had a secret desire to spread the word of a Love greater than any other man has to offer. It's kind of little hidden secrets we can catch if we seek. For I am going to be giving a verse describing purely what couldn't been said any better.

Colossians 2:2, Paul the apostle says "My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ."

When the verse came across the words 'encouraged in heart and united in love', I began to think about the struggles He made for us to get to know Him personally (prime example: the Bible). He knows everything about us, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, as written, but in order to have a relationship with Him, to be united in love, we have to get to know Him also. Earthly relationships that we have with people we love knowing all about us, but we knowing nothing about them, Nada, just doesn't work. So with that said, Why the heck do we still not give a hoot?! I don't really know you might reply, but the reason why, comes all the way back to fear. Fear to love. Fear of rejection. God has such a great love for the nonbelievers, atheists, agnostics and all living, breathing human beings on this planet that He gave His one and only son to die for us. Surrender and flash your hearts, He won't reject or mistreat it. He will take a quick glance, grab it, and cherish it. So wave high your white flags for He is searching and making you the person you were meant to be.

He's always there, ready. waiting for you to take that first step towards Him. He yearns for us to come home, and promises not to leave us dry.

In the song, lyrics are written...

"Our love was lost,

But now we've found it,

and if you flash your heart

I won't deny it

I promise (I promise)

Your walls are up too cold to touch it,
Your walls are up too high to climb

I know it's hard but I can still hear it beating,
So if you flash you heart,
I won't mistreat it
I promise (I promise)"

This part of the song gave me the chills, massive chills up and down my arms. For sure.

It's painting time

Every time I walk into a catholic church, I look straight to the ceiling and imagine the devotion that they had for that church. It's absolutely breath-taking the details that they've put into a place where they might of called their home.

Tonight is a special night. I will be painting my 4th major painting. This painting is inspired by visions, objects and all in between. I'm quite excited to be painting again throughout all this time I missed it. Hello paint brushes, and Good-Bye loud surroundings, for I am all His tonight.

You buy Popcorn, I'll buy the Pop. Baby, were off to see a movie!

Once upon a time, saw this on my dear beloved theater screen a month ago at the nearest cinema.

I was more than thrilled, viewing the first couple of seconds when I saw Rachel McAdams. For those who don't know, she's my second celebrity obsession. (James Franco is first of course.)

I loved her in 'The Notebook' and liked just her performance itself in the 'Time Traveler's Wife' and so I am eager to see her performance in this upcoming film.

It looks funny, cute, but yet sad. Just you're regular chick flick, with maybe a twist?

We will just have to see.

p.s. I quite enjoy Natasha Bedingfield's new song 'Strip Me'. Just a note.

Lazy Days

Today was lazy. So was yesterday too. 3 days now actually. When I mean lazy, I mean lazy.

I didn't put any make-up on and I piratically stayed in Pj's the whole time watching television series and films. Now don't get me wrong, I sure as heck enjoyed the time that I had without using any effort out of my day, but I believe I had enough already.

Now I'm off to work in an hour. crap.

One day - 1956 Ford Thunderbird

Meet my dream car.

isn't she a beaut?

Vintage Inspired Wedding

This wedding is as romantic as you can picture it to be. What seems to be in a old wine field placed in Italy, is not. It was held at the Murrieta's Well Winery in Livermore, California.

This couple did an absolutely amazing job of planning their own wedding to have a vintage and rustic feel to it. From the lighting to the photographer, every item bought to make this a magical wedding that they can remember.

Vintage details such as the dark wood wine barrels, vintage books and wine crates, burlap flowers tied around mason jars, bouquets that were filled with these wood flowers and white peonies, personalized CD with song that express their love, self crafted invitations and paper goods.

I love the idea of the bridesmaids choosing their own dresses, as long as it fitted the theme of the wedding and the color was picked. They wouldn't have to worry about one style not fitting them. It's a great way to express each of their personal style.

And we could not forget the brides dress! the dress just completed the wedding. The ivory colored A-lined cut, and the sweetheart neckline was beautiful dress for her figure. The lace gave the dress a more elegant feel, but still kept up to the vintage theme. Her shoes and finished accessories made quite the statement also. She choose a simple birdcage veil to accentuate her dress instead of it being the focus.

A chunky necklace, diamond studded earrings, and a pair of gold sequin shoes with rhinestones were incredible with the gown. I give 10 stars to this wedding. Now let's see if I can come up with a wedding like this with my future husband.

http://www.stylemepretty.com/2010/06/14/diy-wedding-with-vintage-style-by-engaged-inspired/

Lipstick Sadness

So it's coming to a end for my favorite, perfect ice pale pink color lipstick.

I just discovered that they no longer sell Pink Flora by Lancome that I want.

Highly disappointed.

It was the color I was dreaming of. It also just happens to be that it applies smoothly against my lips. I thought it always gave me a vavavoom reaction towards my lips.

If not, I sure as heck believed it.

To Face Fear

Ever been so lost? Lost in all thought, in all emotion, in all presence. Lost that everything feels numb, that even the thought of a minute ahead in time creeps underneath your skin, and you have nothing to run to due to where you believe you're standing nowhere. I have. For a day, a month, a year, and maybe even a couple. They are one of the most terrifying experiences I faced in my lifetime. And it just so happened to be that I felt like that two days ago. I'm talking about being Lost in Fear.

Fear takes over everything your life if you let it. It has a greater impact on our souls than we ever imagined. Not just in us, but everywhere in the world we walk into. We see fear, eat fear, hear fear, and smell fear. Fear is everywhere. It's what's consuming each and one of us everyday without realizing it.

My greatest fear is the Future. The fear of where I might be, Who I might be, What I might be, With who I might be, and how it will all be. Fear that I won't have enough time to figure out what I'm called to do next, before it's too late. My struggle is the walls that I created around me that hold me here from jumping over.

Fear with confusion.

But my greatest fear of all is for my Generation. A Generation that was never made to fall away. A generation that was never to fear a face and a love of He who brought them to this world. Everyday, I look at my surroundings and see nothing more than people living stereo-typical lives, when they were made for greatness. It terrs my heart to see such greatness fall through as time goes, and see evil conquer. I see shining hearts, hearts made for leadership, hearts made for worship, hearts made to touch, and hearts made to reach. But it all goes back to a choice. A choice rather to follow our earthly desires or a choice to find our calling and change everything around us.

I've been told several times before, along with other prophecies that I was a young heart of God who is going to blossom into a leader that will lead our nation into Christ. Lead our nation? that is aw-hole lot of people. If only sometimes it was as easy as to a snap of your fingers. But the world doesn't quite work like that.

Fear with imagination.

We have to practice and face our fear face-to-face, and soon realize that behind every fear there is nothing there. Nothing but a blank canvas. We have to take that extra step forward and have hope and faith that we will succeed in which we were destined to do. Make a goal! take a goal for yourself everyday, (it can be a small one) and try to accomplish it.

"That you and I were made for this,

I was made to taste your kiss,

We were made to never fall away,

Never fall away."

Letters From The Sky - Civil Twilight

Every Time

Every time I feel inspired to write a blog, I can't. I'm never around my computer and a quit place to write one. It sucks. And once I'm at a computer, all the thoughts I had to write on my next blog disappear. it sucks more. BIG TIME. So to further adieu, I'll will write my next blog very soon. Hopefully.

If you really knew me.

So I watched a new show online on MTV's site called "If You Really Knew Me" that really caught my eye. It's about a group of individuals that attend Freedom High School from a town called Oakley, in the sunshine state California, who are faced with a dwelling day ahead that might change the rest of their high school years.

It's Challenge Day everyone! A day where everyone knows to bring tissues. For those who don't know what Challenge Day is, it's a day away from their academics to focus on rebuilding the social scene around them. Rather it's bullying, discrimination, prejudice, suicide or any other issues that linger in the students' hearts, they are faced with a challenge to step out of their comfort zone and look straight in the eyes of their fellow peers and say 'If you really knew me...'.

I must amit, I was so intrigued by this show, that I shed a few tears myself. Looking at their faces and hearing these individuals speak up, brought an uplifting peace and joy within me. Realizing at the time that many people, everyone, goes through this at one point of their lives. A time where they might've felt so trapped in the thought of what the world tells them they should be or act, that they run further and further away from knowing themselves or overwhelmed by the lies and walls they created around their hearts. Knowing that such a day can change the hearts of many, I thought to myself, what would happen if we were to take it to another level? Bring God into the picture.

Love. In all conclusion.

Seeing the kids reunited as one, (as if they turned a complete 180) at the end of the course, brought only one word to my mind. Love. I could see just the presence of love just flowing in that room and upon their hearts. I was assured that God was in that room, smiling down at His chilren, thrilled that His children that He brought into this world were, what seemed like, reunited as one as they were made to be. No more clicks, just everybody for themselves. OH! and you can't forget...

LOVE. LOVE. LOVE.

If you want to catch the episode, you can click this link: Http://www.mtv.ca/tvshows/if-you-really-knew-me/video_content.jhtml?id=1644488 and it will give you the full episode.

Wilde crave!

Some might of heard of this quote before, but it's one of those qoutes that are adorable after every time you read it.
"We are are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love."

Oscar Wilde

"Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you."

Only time can tell..

Dear readers,

Tonight is going to be a pleasent night, for I am going to be talking about my current life, my choices, and my choices to come. In a nutshell of course. I don't want you to pass out at the key board now. I find it quite miraculous how the state of mind can work sometimes. You can instantly change your mind of opinion from one thing to another in a second. Many might be about an individual they like or dislike, or even the colour of the shoes on display they prefer, but mine is something also very common in young woman my age. Alright, I'll include men too. We go through time to time changing, questioning ourselves, what we wanted, what we want now and what we want in the moments to bloom. So where do I begin?

For those who are my dearest friends, know that in the past months I've changed my life decisions every so often, which always left me in the position after "My Plan" didn't go through of where I tended it to go. My thoughts and I stood still, not abling to put one foot in front of the other until something else came along. I've been pretty much left in the gutter, hoping that the rain comes down in on me, and swishes me away. Metaphorically speaking. But lately, all those thoughts and plans that I had for myself from the past to now, went away. I've had a feeling deep down in my heart that there was only one place where I could go, where I belonged. I've told myself I was going to go to Hillsong in Austrailia all the way to to Bethel in Redding, Calfornia to continue my desire for more God. But none of those felt right. None of them felt just as right as it did right before I left for the School of Ministry in the fall of 2009.

I've been struggling with my relationship with God ever since I got back from the school earlier this year. I was away from experiencing the real world for myself during the time I was in school, so that once I was back for good in the city I grew up in, it was different. Everything in that school was magical. His holy presense in that place was thick and heavy, and I couldn't help it but feel my soul at peace. It was nothing I've ever felt before. His love covered me completely that I felt safe to face anything to come my way, without any reason to hide. But I lost a bit of that assurance in myself to do so through time. I almost felt completely alone at first, but slowly saw myself get sucked in the world I knew perfectly before rather than becoming a part of the warriors of Christ Himself.

I kept on turning back and forth to the choice of attending SoM (School of Ministry) once more. But the thought of my life that I started here held me back. I was so comfortable with the life that I begun here that the thought of going back and then coming back to the city once more scared me. I didn't want to go through the process of dealing with my emotions again, and going through the fear of showing my true feelings and looking vulnerable.

Time flew by, and I was still stuck, trapped in a battle between good and evil, but God has rencently met me with a choice to put on my heart. A choice that the prophecies would come true. A choice where I would be myself. A choice to keep me from harm. A choice that only God can determine what's right instead of wrong. He left me with a choice that has been on my heart, and that for a very long time I couldn't face it. A choice to be with Him again. So you might wonder what this choice could be, but its a choice for Him to determine the right time to open the door for me to go right through. And as of now, His time could only hold the right path for destiny.

Schoolf of Ministry, spring 2011. Here I come.