I thought this was cute

BECOME THE INFLUENCER AND NOT THE IN-FLUENCY.

That's by far the number one rule in my book of leadership -- which has been over spoken upon my life several times. Prophetically to be said. I recently found in myself a great deal of leadership arising from beneath which was encouraged by bursting confidence for others and of who I'm becoming as a women.

They say that true happiness is just not singly owned, but shared amongst others. Having to see individuals around you who are just as joyful as you are, situate's yourself in the greatest state of mind. Seeing dear friends of mine for the imaginable first time that has passed away, brought a exasperating fear to the table. I was thinking to myself what they would think of the decisions I've made for myself before I saw them for the first time again.

I once felt identified as 'inadequate' to their particular social scene, hidden under the shame I carried. I felt what I was starting to see myself get into, especially coming out from a school bubbled into a little world that isn't reality, was something I was not made to be doing. I came to my home town lost, conflicted of the social scenes around me. After all, amused. Realized that I'm no longer looked upon fellow individuals as an object set on this earth to change the outlook of how I am made to shake the nation, but I'm slowly becoming the women God feared. This is a large step of faith to be blogging, confessing about personal thoughts and experiences, but I had a great feeling within me that maybe one day someone will come across it and can bond particular events that has happened in their lives, with mine and to feel that they were or are never alone. In my case, I've been told many times that it's hard leaving SoM, due to it's enclosed environment that I've been upon. I became the in-fluency, the follower, or such names that made the shame grow beyond my control. It really wasn't what I had in mind, but sadly, I went down such a road. I can boldly say that beyond my pride, I gave in too easily to Satan.

I could remember keeping myself busy (B=busy U=under S=satans Y=yoke : Carole Arnott) so I wouldn't have to deal with the pain and sadness within. Until one day, I hit the a local bar with several friends of mine, and it just clicked! literally. Meaning that I just suddenly didn't have the urge to even be in the bar or even finish the one bottled beer I had that night. God spoke to me that very moment and left in an instant, along with taking that bit of shame that I was carrying by my side. I felt secured again, forgetting that I was protected and looked upon. Now I'm not going to lie, and explain what seems to be written, over-exaggerated, but it came to thought that maybe I would be lying if I told you that I didn't hit a local bar ever since, but I learnt or as I would say "passed the phase" of going to just bars as social events to spend with friends, instead of pursuing to be doing something else.

I took a break from those scenes and I had plenty of time to think, apart from seeing them at all. It was a clean break from the influences that were affecting me. I truly believe that I matured and grew more responsibility; I've become different. Happier and much more confident.

I now have a part of my heart filled with joy and hope to come for them by hearing how they were doing since than. One of them was growing out of drinking a lot into becoming more civil, and well the others were doing awesome. I couldn't help myself for smiling cheek to cheek, along with giggles here and there when they were quickly speaking over each other, all eager to tell me what I have missed. I felt a specific worthiness for the time being, which brought me warmth.

I thought to myself that this could be the time to bring up hope within them and to let them know that I was so proud of them. Thrilled to have seen their response of when I actually told them that. Just saying that I was proud of them, felt different. I don't usually say it verbally, cause I always let everyone know in another way. A different vibe was set to the table, when such a word was presented. I could see hope and worth in their eyes. I can tell instantly that they felt different. It amazes me sometimes how expressing how I felt towards them, can affect them drastically in a moment's passed.

Further speaking courage upon them made me feel as if they were looking up towards my word. towards the grace God had for me shinning down for them. It's incredible how God can use us like that. It just doesn't bring an uprising feeling for them, but also for I. It surely brings a worth and purpose emotion upon my way when times aren't looking up. It's his mercy towards us that makes us feel loved, and it's his love that makes us feel completely ravished for who we are and who we are going to become.

Riding the Wheels of my Thoughts.

As a place I would like to call 'riding the wheels of my thoughts' are generated and taken place on city buses. Odd, I know. It's a place where I find myself at thought the most. Where my thoughts been taken to newer levels, dreams burst out of it's inner box and brings hope, and usually life decisions at their hardest defeat my natural ability to live my life by a called 'normal' day schedule; I find myself riding the wheels of my thoughts. A wheel that turns round and round, slowing and raising speed. Out of a sudden hits the brakes, having everybody, anybody, on the bus gasp and have the natural reaction to look forward of search. I hit those brakes -- sometimes hard, sometimes gently. Until I find my myself come to the realization of what's in front of me. Thoughts. Blurring every visible window looking throughout the horizon making it unclear. Panic irrupts to the greater thought of uncertainty.

I found myself taking the city bus today, at the thought of adventure. I lead one foot in front of the other up the steps, looking around my surroundings, until a viewed seat stuck out. The sun was shinning bright, lowering it's altitude in the sky slowly, along with a calm breeze that tickled the side of my neck. I took a seat, closed my eyes, inhaled a deep breath, and opened the doors to my imagination. One that shined brighter than the rest defined the place where my heart is at right now. A scene of a sad melody playing the background, and wishful thinking comes stirring to bring hope to satisfy a need that doesn't last. As I looked outside, taking memory of the beauty around me, I catch my eyes focusing on the sun above, and the sun only. The bright interior and darker exterior, warmed my body in the chills of my thoughts. I strati-size ways I can keep my eyes focused towards the sun without looking away by the passing trees. It was as if I was searching for answers from the one thing that started time as a visible platform of stone thousands of years ago. I found a deeper value instead. A value that spoke to me about where my heart is struggling.

Keep your eyes focused on me; nothing in this world could satisfy.

This sentence may mean to many just as simple as it's read and misunderstood , but for I, It struck to me as the answer I was waiting for. For when I made that clear to myself, the sun looked brighter, temperature was warmer, and the breeze gently passed, kissing my cheeks. It was than I was assured of what just occurred.

With iPod on sync, I heard a immediate tune that brought inspiration of what I've been going through. Hope for what's next. Hope to come for me. It was Brooke Fraser's track "C.S. Lewis Song" that I was listening to. The lyrics goes as this.

If i find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude that I was not made for here
If the felsh that i fight is at best only light and momentary,
then ofcourse I'll feel nude when to where I'm destined I'm compared

Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan as I wait for hope to come for me

Am i lost or just found? On the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way?
is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
Cos my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
An avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become

For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming

The realization became more crisp in my mind how desires of this world can distract myself, or anyone who let's it. It's a weapon not seen, but felt in our minds and hearts. They leave us with guilt, shame, unworthiness, and uncertainty of ourselves. It's a battle that happens everyday between us. It's our choice that leads us to our finial destination. We may not see it coming, but he's disguised waiting to pull our flesh down along to join him further and further into a sinful world we walk into, calling it home.

We are not perfect, we go up and than we fall down. It's defiantly the ride of our lives. With that note, I'm battling against myself to not fall alseep onto my laptop. So to further adieu, I'm off to bed waving my white flag.

Life is Sweet

I love my food, every little bit of it. especially when it comes to desserts. Ask anyone, and they will tell you that I cherish sweets, and craves it all the time...not really. it's just so good. I get it from my dad being the sweet tooth I've grown up to be. If you see me upset, give me sweets. If you see me happy, give me sweets. Just give me sweets and I will love you more. just kidding...maybe.

but it's a known stereotype that women love sweets, and as the saying goes said by few "If you want to make a girl happy, give her sweets, not flowers!". defiantly true. although I would like flowers too.

which all of this brings me to why I decided to write about sweet deliciously made sweets, is because an Austrian girl who happened to walk into my life several days ago, gave me wonderful Austrian chocolate for my birthday. A lot of Austrian chocolate she just so happened to have. I'm surely not upset with that choice at all.

Ooh! and maybe a little bit of theses very good looking cupcakes and cookies I found online.

(never really thought I would call cupcakes 'Good looking'.)

let's just try tasteful.

On that note, I devoured a few of each, or on my speaking terms 'nibbled' a few of each of the yummy chocolate I happened to receive.

Here's one of the "ooh so good, haven in my mouth" chocolates she gave me.

And here are the pictures I found online on these mouth-watering (seems to be) sweets this women makes as her passion.

Another fresh new year is here.

(No, I did not make the cupcake, I found it on Google and thought it was cute.)

It's my birthday everyone!

19!!!

WHOOPEE!!

Very exciting!

...clearly, much more shocked.

I must add that the year I was 18, many things happened to be brought into my life.

I received the greatest news a year ago that I would be attending the School of Ministry 2 weeks before it started. I was thrilled--more than thrilled. Ecstatic!

Many inner healing's, and forgivenesses later, I came to notice that I dearly love the place, the people, and God more than I anticipated. The school was a HUGE part of my year, and defiantly the best. Meeting new people, experiencing emotions that you forgot you had, travailing to a different country, changing lives, along with your's, and discovering by the end of it all, that tissues are your new best friend, the school was so worth it.

...And that's exactly why I'm going back for some more. Bring it on SoM!

7 and a half months now since I've been back home from the School of Ministry in beautiful Toronto, and I still catch myself laughing at the great memories that I shared among many individuals there. Curious to actually hear the comments of what many people thought of I, while walking down the streets, at work, anywhere I'm doing dishes. Yes, dishes,(I believe those last two places are where I think of those memories the most.), and cooking. Laughing uncontrollably. By myself. Mhhh...

I work, I write, I play, I socialize, I love. I Skype

(My life in a nutshell, for the most part)

Seriously, the amount of calls + chats I did in the past months are countless.

Especially to my friends back from school. Jeepers.

Any-who, today was a fabulous day with my family and my close friends that I'm so fortunate to have. They protect, encourage, love, and teach me new things everyday.

I love you all and thank you for all you support in all my good and bad decisions I've made in the past -- for understanding and dwelling me with your love.

"Another year to live!

To banish worry, doubt, and fear.

To love and laugh and give!

This bright new year is given me

To live each day with zest...

To grow and try to be my highest and best!

I have the opportunity

once more to right some wrongs,

To pray for peace, to plant a tree,

and sing more joyful songs!"

-William Arthur Ward